Stupid Roommates

This might be one of the worst things one of the roommates has done. About a month ago one of our stupid roommates, not sure who, wrote a note saying if people don't wash their dirty dishes he will throw them out. Now the problem with this is that the people that left dirty dishes on the counter may not be the same people that own the dishes, so it is unfair to throw them out. Leander then writes a note saying that if you throw out dishes you will have to replace them.

Fast forward about 2 weeks later, I am taking out the garbage in the middle of the night and notice a clanking sound. I realize there are dishes in the freaking garbage bag! I rip open the bottom of the bag and pulled out about 6 plates. I am absolutely livid at this point. I write a profanity laced note on the kitchen counter saying if anyone has a problem respecting property of others to come talk to me. No one comes to talk to me, so I ask everyone that lives here if they threw out the dishes. The culprit, being a little bitch and all, lied and said he didn't do it. So now we are left with a ripped bag of garbage on the front porch that may or may not still have dishes in it. It is completely unfair for anyone else to clean this up. I am not sure if there are any more dishes left in the bag even.

With regards to the toothpaste that I mentioned below: there was a large amount of toothpaste-foam spat onto the mirror, and allowed to slowly slide down the wall leaving a green trail a-la-Slimer onto the sink, and tap. No, this isn't just normal spray from brushing your teeth with your lips open. This is a big wad of toothpaste-foam. Spat on the mirror a bit below eye level. I don't get it. If you don't like how you look, don't cover the mirror in toothpaste, just don't look. If you want to spit out toothpaste (as you probably should, due to the chance of fluoride overdose - oh man, that is NOT fun - from having everything under the sun fluorinated), the sink is a pretty big target. And hard to miss. Just open your mouth and let it drip down your face instead of the wall, thanks.

Oh, as a courtesy to Ken, I should probably mention that there's a toothpaste monster upstairs too. This person just left a wad of toothpaste on the sink to harden. I understand there are non-conventional uses for toothpaste (sealing holes in walls and ceilings before plastering being one, lube being another (I'm not kidding, I've heard this from a couple sources)) but is sculpting in the bathroom really necessary?

It's sure a good thing that there're two bathrooms in this house. Because, (what seems like) every weekend day from 12-2, the one downstairs is unavailable for use. Is that because that's when the maid cleans it? Damn, I wish. No, it's because the guy next door and (at least one of) his girlfriend(s) (see references below to the Mystery Girl) tag-team the bathroom. Yes, for two hours; I timed them once, just to be sure.

Goes like this:
*room door open* *room door close* *bathroom door close* *sound of water running for a few minutes* *silence for a few minutes* *bathroom door open* *room door open* *room door close* *room door open* *room door close* *bathroom door close* *sound of water running for a few minutes* *silence for a few minutes* *bathroom door open* *room door open* *room door close* *room door open* *room door close* *bathroom door close* *sound of water running for a few minutes* *silence for a few minutes* *bathroom door open* *room door open* *room door close* and so on for the remainder of the time.

C'mon people, most people take a 5 minute coffee break at work every few hours. I know you're hard at work doing something in there (like spitting toothpaste on the mirror and then letting it drip and harden (but that's another story)), so please join a union so that the rest of us can actually get in.

Ok guys, I understand that if a breaker flips, you need to turn it back. When I took the room with the breakers, I realized I had to be willing to have people in my room to do that. But, when I come home from class, at least have the courtesy to put stuff back where you found it! Don't leave my desk pulled out, the breaker box door wide open (knocking some stuff over) with the monitor and other permanent residents of the desk far from their homes.

I mean, really, do you want me going into your rooms and moving stuff around?!?

When I saw a former roommate had e-mailed in, I got worried it would be about me. Luckily it was about a roommate at a different house. Here is Mark's submission:

One summer term, I was living out the last four months of a contract and my landlord (and his other tenants) weren’t going to be around for the summer. One of my roommates managed to find a subletter, so I figured it’d be cool…two of us in a house for the summer. Over the course of the summer, I noticed my food supply disappearing faster than I was eating it. A couple of examples: I bought a box of burgers and didn’t eat A SINGLE ONE OF THEM; buying ice cream and having it be half-eaten the first time you go to have a bowl. Needless to say I was relatively pissed. So, I talked to my roommate. Tried to be polite; mentioned that I had a whole box of missing burgers and half of my ice cream was missing. His response: Someone must have broken in and stolen them. Right. Someone breaks into a house and steals ice cream and hamburgers, but doesn’t take the computers, TVs, stereos, etc. in the house, let alone the cash this guy’s got visible on the shelf that’s right beside the bedroom door.

You’d think this is all, but it wasn’t. I ended up talking to the landlord a couple of months after the contract had expired and I had moved out only to find out that the neighbours had called the police TWICE in the same night (I wasn’t home that night, obviously) near the end of classes because this guy was throwing a party in the BASEMENT in which he was making enough noise to keep the neighbours on BOTH SIDES OF THE HOUSE awake. Adding insult to injury, this roommate and his guests were throwing their beer caps in the one neighbour’s above ground pool, destroying the liner. Oh, and this guy still owes me about $100 for phone and internet usage (he didn’t pay a single penny on either all term).

This is our 3rd submitted post, sent in by BAGUM

We were moving out of our suite in a rental house and the landlord left us a canister vacuum cleaner to use while we were there. My roomie was cleaning her bedroom carpet and there were spots of make-up, talc, lotion - you name it around her dresser area. She wetted the area with soapy water (mistake) which drove the substances deeper into the carpet and then used the vacuum cleaner to suck up the mess. This was not wet/dry shop vac.

What happened next is the soapy water is sucked into the bag with the rest of the dirt and the exhaust air is projected downwards below the canister driving all that dirty water that has passed through the contents of the bag back into another location on the carpet leaving a huge stain. She discovers her mistake and what does she do? She tries to vacuum up the last puddle of grimy water from the carpet but by this time the paper filter bag has turned to mush and nearly all the contents are projected into the carpet creating a THIRD soggy mess.

She did a pretty sloppy job of cleanup with a roll of toilet paper which is designed to break down in water. It was a mess. Further more she didn't empty the vacuum and i opened it a few days later and GAWD what a smell. She was and probably still is a major DUMBASS. We lost a chunk of our deposit over that.

No, I am no longer friends with her.

This post has been submitted by Jarrett

One of my roommates is a real stoner. I don't judge, but I do take issue with bullshit.

It's one thing to hear a stoner defend the use of marijuana - that's cool, whatever you do to yourself is your business. And, you know, there's like, you know, NO bad side effects from the use of marijuana. You know. Totally good for you 'n stuff, right?

That may be, but when he left for a week-long vacation, I had one week of full sleep. Without the dumbass making after-midnight snacks, I never once had to get out of bed at three in the morning to turn burners off and put perishables back in the fridge.

What do you do when you're unloading groceries and there isn't enough room in the freezer? It's one of the fundamental questions of life. My roommate has come with a novel solution. Take my food out, put it on top of the freezer, put his in, and leave.

It's a short post, I know, but, honestly, what more can I say???

Here is the first ever submitted entry at Stupid Roommates, sent in to us by "Kiwi":

You know you hear stories about various food left in the fridge? Well I have a housemate who enjoys cooking. Which is all fine and dandy until you see how much he makes in one sitting. For just one person, he makes enough to feed an army.. And I mean pots full or sometimes 2 pots full!!! Not only does it take up obscene amount of fridge space, but most of the food usually goes bad before he can finish it. Sometimes he'll even eat the food that's very VERY iffy, cause he believes that to waste food is bad. Even if the food was bad to begin with.. But hey, to each their own, sometimes you make food and forget about it, no biggy, we are all guilty of that once in a while. However, I would think that a grown man, who prides himself on wanting to be a chef one day should know that you do NOT leave raw meat out in the fridge for more than 1 day. Sometimes if the meat hasn't been handled you can probably get away with keeping it raw for up to 2 days.... Well, was I in for a surprise.

2 weeks ago, housemate A had his girlfriend over and decided to cook a special meal of eggplants/cheese/spicy lamb casserole, or at least it looked like a casserole. True to his nature, he goes and makes enough to fill 2 full casserole dishes. One he baked that night and the other he "made" and left uncooked in the fridge. At first i thought, whatever he'll probably cook the second dish soon enough.... Fast forward 2 weeks later, low and behold the same raw dish is still in the fridge! By now you guys can probably guess how bad it looks what with eggplant and meat that's probably contaminated breading in one dish. So A decides to dispose of it.. RIGHT INTO THE GARBAGE IN OUR KITCHEN.. that's right, as you can imagine at this point how stinky that whole concoction is... Dumped it right in the kitchen and just left it there. Then when I got home, he had the atrocity to come by and ask me to wash my dishes cause it was stinking up the house!!! First of all, I rinse all my dishes right after I'm done with it, then after 4-5 plates build up I do one big load (do dishes about every other day).. so there isn't any leftover food to STINK up the house.. AND I know EXACTLY what's stinking up the house, the freaking garbage, so why doesn't HE take out the garbage for once??? I just cleaned the entire house and kitchen last weekend, whereas A hasn't done ANY cleaning since I got back in January. And HE complains that me and housemate C are the ones that's making the house dirty...

One fine, wintery day, I decide to emerge from my gopher hole and go forage for some food. As I enter the kitchen, I notice the oven on. This in itself is as much an oddity as a day without a "Your Mom" joke, given that I seem to be the only one who bakes, and the microwave is really faster for TV dinners. Anyway, I look in the oven, in case it was left on. Lo and behold, someone's cooking chicken strips. I'm impressed at the increase in culinary talent until I realize what they're being cooked in.

Now, a quick primer in dishes. Some dishes are oven safe (pyrex, metal pans, silicon). Some dishes are not (untempered glass).

Back to the story: the chicken strips are being cooked in a GLASS bowl. You know, the kind that breaks under drastic temperature changes. Quite likely the kind that does not have paint or lacquer that's safe for high-temperatures.

Some days I just don't understand how these peoples' minds work. On the other hand, maybe the fumes from the heated paint are what gave him such a damaged brain in the first place.

Ok, this is a quick one. When a light burns out, you replace it. If you don't have a bulb, you replace it in the next couple of days. Or, you ask if anyone does. You don't ignore it.

You don't rinse and repeat until there is one working lightbulb in the kitchen, and one in the living room, none in the stairwells. Maybe I'm insane. By the way, the reason all the bulbs are burnt out is a simple thing called Mean Time Between Failure or MTBF. If you leave a light on ALL the time, MTBF comes up pretty fast. So turn out the lights when you're not in the room. Wow, have I become my father so soon?

Oh, and for those wondering how I can say this without being hypocritical, I say to you: I just wanted to see how low they can go!

Ok, so when you sign a lease for an individual room, the understanding is that it's for an individual. Or so I thought. Sure, if you've got a significant other, he or she is often over. Fair enough. But what, I ask, does one do if you have two? I've recently had that question answered by Roommate D: let them stay over ... together.

Yes, yes, maybe he only has one girlfriend, but here's what happened.

I'm sitting upstairs, watching TV at 08h15. D's girlfriend, let's call her K, is in the bathroom. Fair enough, she slept over. K leaves the bathroom. Mystery girl enters the bathroom. Interesting, I think. But ok, I'm open-minded enough that I couldn't care less. Now, the funny part: D drives up and walks in the front door. This is the first time I've seen D up before 10, so I'm betting he hadn't been home that night. Honestly, this doesn't piss me off (well, 2 or three people paying one person's rent kind of bothers me, but whatever)

Curiouser and curiouser.

For some unknown reason, our roommates have no clue how a door works. They get the opening to walk in or out of the house part, but somehow can't master the next, and arguably the most difficult, step of closing the door behind them. You may ask, "Aren't you in Canada, it is cold in the winter, right?" Damn right it is cold! Plus we pay for utilities, so the furnace has to make up for their stupidity on my dime. We have two main doors, one from the kitchen and one from the living room. The problem started to really escalate a little over a week ago (although it has been going all term), I had to close doors about eight separate times in one day. Then one night we got home at about 1:30am and the kitchen door was wide open and the living room door was open a couple inches. As Leander and I were discussing the possibility of putting up signs on the door to tell them to close the door, his girlfriend decided to do it herself. On the two doors there were signs saying, "Close the fucking door. Please." Within the next week Leander noticed the kitchen door open and the sign was gone... I guess they figured if they took off the sign you can keep leaving the door open? Idiots.

For the first roommate story, I will recount the story that inspired the creation of this blog. Yesterday one of my roommates, I'm not sure who because he was nice and just left after committing this stupid act, left the bathroom and locked the door from the inside before leaving. There is no key to the lock, so the door was locked from the inside with no one in there. If you make a mistake and lock the door shut, at least have the courtesy to try and open it yourself instead of leaving your roommates to do it.

Leander and I spent about an hour to get this door open. We had to partially pry open the door frame and use a variety of metal objects to finally get the door open. It may seem like this shouldn't have to be said, at least to a rational person, but I felt compelled to leave a note on the door saying, "Do NOT lock and then close the door. Thanks."

Hello and welcome to Stupid Roommates! Leander and I will be posting a series of posts on our stupid roomates.

However, we do not want this blog to just be for us, if you have any stupid roomates, please e-mail us your stories at YourStupidRoommates@gmail.com and we will be posting them. If you link to this blog on your blog, please post in the comments section of any post and we will add a link to your blog.